


once, twice, always

by TechnicalTragedy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Guns, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Road Trips, Running Away, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 19:30:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11237676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/TechnicalTragedy
Summary: sometimes it just takes a shitty idea and a nonexistent plan to really find where you wanna go.





	once, twice, always

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyy it's been a while, i'm working on stuff!
> 
> EDIT: now with [a lovely playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/lemoncities/playlist/0vMZi29NYgE7deEU8w7Pzm) by [@LeanMeanSaltineMachine](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LeanMeanSaltineMachine/pseuds/LeanMeanSaltineMachine)/[@lemoncities](https://open.spotify.com/user/lemoncities)

it's summer. a thursday in june, just past midnight - so, a friday in june.

the highway stretches out in front of their car, seeming to go on forever. the headlights illuminate only a fraction of the immense dark. percy and vax don't see many other cars, only the rare blur of light streaking past to break up the blackness, but it's comforting, in an odd way. it's like they're the only two people that exist.

 

  
"i need to get out of this town before i lose my fucking mind," vax says.

percy looks over at him. vax's profile is outlined by the silver moonlight, the stars and sparse signs still lit up in town reflected in his eyes. he's felt it before and will feel it again, but the immensity of the emotion percy has for vax will always unsettle him. "where would you go?"

vax shrugs. "anywhere is better than here."

and that's just like him. leaping without looking is his forte. vax is impulsivity and improvisation and percy could never be that, not when every piece of his life is so meticulously planned, but he both fears and envies the freedom that vax clings to with such obstinacy.

 

  
"people die! it's just what happens! we have to move on," percy says. he's thinking of his family, of course, of their empty eyes and hollow bodies, of his wracking sobs that turned to an all-encompassing numbness. you just have to move on.

"i won't disrespect her memory like that," vax snarls. "not all of us can be as fucking robotic and unfeeling as you are."

percy shoves vax with all his strength, relishing his shocked face for only a moment before vax kicks his leg out from under him and the two collide in a tangle of knees and elbows and fists.

when they've fought it out, they return to the car. both of them are scraped and bruised and bloodied, but it's easy to forgive.

 

  
vax's watery eyes don't stray from percy for even a second. "can you, just. pretend," he says, and his voice breaks into a rasp, "please, just for the night, pretend you love me."

and percy wants to say no. he wants to tell vax it could never be pretend, that he's loved him for far too long to play pretend.

instead, he crawls into bed alongside vax, in between the thin, starch-stiff sheets, and wraps around him like a lover might. he pretends he doesn't hear vax crying, but can't help himself from mouthing adoring words into vax's thick hair.

the drip-drop of the leaking faucet makes percy dream of blood.

 

  
the park, back in january. cold bit through their coats, reddening their cheeks and noses while they sat up on the cliff. vax could see their whole world from up here, but percy could barely see past his own nose when he wasn't wearing his glasses.

"you think there's a reason for all this?" vax had asked.

"all what? life? humanity?"

vax had laughed, deep and throaty, and his hand landed on percy's. the touch warmed him better than any fire ever could.

"nevermind, perce. forget i asked."

percy hadn't understood then, still didn't understand now, but he let the issue drop without question.

 

  
"is there a reason for all this?" percy asks in a few months, in a new motel, under what certainly are not new sheets.

vax shrugs, but percy feels the movement rather than sees it. "do you want one?"

percy sighs. "i would like to know why we've been out here for so long."

the room goes quiet. rain patters onto the roof, and percy traces the water stains on the ceiling with his eyes. he's lucky he still has his glasses. they've had to sell more valuable things in order to find places to rest in recent days. percy still feels uncomfortable thinking about it.

"i couldn't be around that town without remembering her," vax says.

 

  
the blanket over them keeps the cold away about as well as a colander would spoon soup. but the heat where their bodies align provides enough warmth for them to stay awake and alive.

"guess we'll be here awhile, then," percy says.

vax smiles, all teeth. "car ain't going anywhere soon. there's a 24-hour store down the road. we could hole up there for a minute while we figure shit out."

percy wordlessly tucks his freezing fingers between the two of them. vax's surprised yelp makes the ensuing smack worth it.

 

  
"how long?"

"we've been gone at least six months."

"hm. that long enough for you, vax?"

"i don't think a million years would be."

"tank's full."

"yeah."

"you sure?"

"no."

"figures."

 

  
percy liked the graveyard shift at the shitty convenience store he managed to nab a job at. almost nobody came in, and those that did were usually quiet folk. they didn't ask for much info, and he didn't provide them with much info.

the job kept him and vax eating most of the time, at least. it was all he needed.

vax's occupations were a little more illegal. filched cash, pocketed jewelry, rolexes tucked away in his sleeves, tiny plastic bags carefully hidden under his belt. but he brought good shit back to percy, always, because he had a knack for discerning legitimacy.

the first gun vax came home with made percy's insides clench. the second was pushed under percy's waistband while a smile played about vax's lips.

 

  
percy trains the gun on vax, hands him the bottle. "take a drink."

"uh, okay?" vax takes a swig, makes a face at the burn going down his throat, cocks an eyebrow at percy.

the gun is pressed into vax's hand, the bottle returns to percy's. "now make me take a drink."

fire warmed his belly, and percy loved the combination of it and the thrill of being held at gunpoint by his best friend. his only friend.

 

  
"are you ready to talk it out yet?"

"i. huh. i think i am, actually."

"yeah? ready to go back, too?"

"oh. no. not quite yet."

"we'll talk, then."

 

  
the car has a couple hundred thousand miles on it, by now. a lot of those aren't theirs, but a chunk of it most certainly details their flight.

they haven't really looked back. percy has his dreams, of course. fire, blood, water. it's fine.

percy wonders if vax's tendency to jump right into things has rubbed off on him. the moon is high in the sky above them as they make their way to the next place, the next temporary home. maybe this time they're in love, or brothers, or just two tired sods looking to rest their heads.

neither of them are sure which is most accurate at this point.

 

  
"was i stupid to run?"

"we all deal with grief in different ways," percy answers.

"i know, i just," vax sighs. "you didn't run away when your family passed, so why did i abandon vex after our mother died? i was so selfish. she probably thinks i'm dead."

percy shakes his head. "she knows you're alive, we called her last week."

vax just sighs again, deeper, then buries his face in a pillow and doesn't speak again for the rest of the night.

they leave the guns behind in the motel drawer because vax can't stand to look at them any longer, knowing he was ready to pull that trigger. percy reckons they're closing in on the end.

 

  
when they were younger, percy kissed vax under the bleachers at the middle school. vax had gasped at him afterwards with pinked cheeks and a thrumming heart, then proceeded to kiss percy of his own volition. just to make sure, he would say later, but he would never explain what he wanted to be sure of.

this kiss isn't like that one. it's weary and time-worn and, fuck, percy never wants it to end. they've been on the road for so long, just wandering in vax's shitty car to see what the world has to offer, and when vax is kissing him, percy doesn't care at all about the world. it's a home, it's a promise. percy has never been good at keeping those, remembers sitting on the rocks with vax and swearing he would never change, but this promise is one he feels in his marrow, something so intrinsic to him that if it broke, he would break.

"you love me," vax whispers against percy's lips, surprise coloring his voice.

percy swallows the thickness in his throat. "let's not talk about it."

and vax kisses him again just to taste that elusive love on his lips.

 

  
"i wish vex was here."

"we can go back to her at any time."

"i know."

"think you're almost ready?"

"hm. maybe so."

"whenever you want, i'm here."

"byroden isn't going anywhere, after all."

 

  
they decide to head back when the car gets picky about starting. it's been long enough.

asphalt extends indefinitely off beyond their field of vision.

"you think we got what we wanted out of that?" percy asks. he's driving this time, eyes not leaving the road unless it's to check his speed.

vax's hand tightens around his. the center console is warm under their locked fingers and their palms sweat against one another. "i think i already had it."

percy laughs, he can't help it.

"shut up. can't i be sweet?"

"always, always," percy says.

they've always had this. sometimes it just takes a shitty idea and a nonexistent plan to really find where you wanna go. but an old car and unending interstate only aim to get you somewhere you can find anywhere.

percy found it in a young vax's eyes on the first day of school.

their little car rumbles its way back to the start. maybe, finally, they're ready to begin.

**Author's Note:**

> check out my erratic self on tumblr [@twinktaryon](http://twinktaryon.tumblr.com)


End file.
